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Old 11-16-2015, 11:40 PM   #1
CamaroDoc
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Default Funny Crap... reboot

A farmer is sitting at the bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

The gas pedal is the one on the right....
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Old 11-17-2015, 09:01 PM   #2
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Golf Cart Accident


One day on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, Hey, are you okay?

I'm fine, thanks," he replied after crawling out from under the cart.

"You look frazzled, the woman said, Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that."

"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse.

She was very persuasive....and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart," he replied.


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

The gas pedal is the one on the right....
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Old 11-17-2015, 09:17 PM   #3
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Frozen Carburetor

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw itout." "I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

The gas pedal is the one on the right....
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Old 11-19-2015, 06:03 PM   #4
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Default The military has it all wrong....lol

You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

The gas pedal is the one on the right....
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Old 11-19-2015, 11:47 PM   #5
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winning the lottery.............


At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "Honestly, I'd take half and leave you."

"Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday.........stay in touch!"


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

The gas pedal is the one on the right....
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Old 11-20-2015, 12:14 AM   #6
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Default The sign...

A guy walks into a brothel and askes for a girl who is willing to be with him outdoors. The madam is accomidating and picks a girl and directs them up to the roof of the building. They go up there and soon they are quite busy indeed, so busy that they lose track of what they are doing and slip off of the roof, falling a couple of stories to the ground below and knocking themselves out.

A drunk wanders by, sees the naked couple entwined and out cold, and walks up to the door of the brothel. The madam asks “Can I help you?” and the drunk points to the couple in the street and says “Hey, lady, your sign fell down!”


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

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Old 11-20-2015, 08:26 PM   #7
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Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey why the long face?"
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Old 11-21-2015, 12:30 PM   #8
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Sent to me from a friend...
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Old 11-21-2015, 02:17 PM   #9
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I know you have all seen this video before, but I freaking about die laughing every time I see it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-72QwtKBCE


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Old 11-21-2015, 02:22 PM   #10
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Cool Dog story

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "Im looking for the man who shot my paw!"
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