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Old 02-11-2020, 11:34 PM   #301
CamaroDoc
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The teacher in Little Johnny's classroom was discussing guns and told the students that "Guns are bad because guns kill people".

Little Johnny raised his hand and told the class that "Pencils are bad because my pencil answered the questions wrong on the test".

I think Little Johnny fully understood his teachers statement....

***********************************************

Sex After Death*

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die and true to his words, he made the first contact:

H : "Darling... Darling"

W : "Is that you baby ?"

H : "Yes, I've come back like we agreed"

W : "That's wonderful !!! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"

H : "Well, as soon as I get up in the morning, I have sex. After sex and breakfast it's off to the golf course.
Thereafter I bathe in the warm sun and have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
After lunch, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

W : "Oh Baby... are you in Heaven ?"

H : "No, I'm a goat somewhere in PakistanĒ.

************************************************** *****

Her: What are you getting me for Valentines day, Honey?

Him: Jumper cables because you seem to like starting shit...

************************************************** *****
Atheist In The Woods....
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

In that instant, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Can I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'


************************************************** **
The 12 commandments of growing old...

#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

#2 - Consider "in style" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management, you just need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age look so much older than you.

#10 - You thought growing old would take a lot longer.

#11 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

And one more:

So you know you're growing old when "one for the road" means taking a pee before you leave.



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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

The gas pedal is the one on the right....
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Old 03-26-2020, 08:43 AM   #302
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Need something to smile about
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Old 03-26-2020, 05:05 PM   #303
CamaroDoc
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Warning to all rednecks: Don't pop the bubble wrap...
It's filled with air from China...



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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

The gas pedal is the one on the right....
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Old Today, 07:13 AM   #304
CamaroDoc
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Default How to spend your stimulus check...

This went around years ago. Just got it again, and it seems a lot of it still applies.

stimulus money.........


Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.


Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?

A: Only a smidgen of it.


Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.


Q: Isnít that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with and your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.

* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India,Taiwan or China.

* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.

* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead keep the money in America by:

(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or

(2) Go to a ballgame, or

(3) Spend it on prostitutes, or

(4) Beer, or

(5) Tattoos

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)


CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. No need to thank me, Iím just glad I could be of help.


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I really like your sister, but your mom does that thing with her tongue....

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